Musings of an irrational Mind

Shake well before using

2011-11-06T18:37:00.003+05:30

Disclaimer: Do not read this while operating a vehicle or heavy machinery

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I have come to realise that the world’s best kept secrets aren’t “Who the Men in Black are?” or “Do people spontaneously combust for real?” or “How Bappi Lahiri still manages to buy gold when its price is skyrocketing?” The Best Kept secret according to me is a small phrase called “Conditions Apply”, otherwise known as the disclaimer. No one seems to know what these conditions are, or where they have been stashed away for security purposes, and how these conditions manage to be so dynamic that they always keep on changing to not favour you. We are surrounded by such disclaimers, and no one seems to take them seriously anyways till the time all hell breaks loose. Some of these mysterious disclaimers have been enumerated below:

Actual Results may vary – This disclaimer tops my charts due to the simple fact that one can continue to make the tallest of claims while delivering nothing and no one can hold you responsible for it. This phrase should not be accepted in general conversations. Imagine this – You are having a chat with a mate, (for all intents and purposes let’s call him Jimmy) and you say “Here is what we are going to do Jimmy, we will do some shopping, hang out for a while, probably go out for a drink, and if you’re still awake, back to my place to watch some DVDs”.... if this statement is followed by a disclaimer *Actual Results, may vary* it may very well lead to you getting the following notification the very next day: - Jimmy has unfriended you on Facebook!. This disclaimer, however, can be used effectively on your job applications and resumes; you can claim to have working knowledge and proven expertise on various technologies and processes and get away with not actually knowing the required stuff simply by putting this disclaimer on the last page of your CV in font size Arial 6 – “Actual Results may vary”
No animals were harmed in the making of this film – This disclaimer is ok to be used to shut up all the PETA supporters and other annoying bunch of human/animal/alien rights activists of the world, in case the movie has actually used real life animals. What scares me is when films like Godzilla, Jurassic Park, Anaconda and movies based on Nessie start using this disclaimer. Is the fact about their existence in the real world being hidden from us as a part of some larger conspiracy? On a separate note, just wondering how will my dog look with Lipstick, mascara and some cool eye shadow on? Charming!
Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental – South Park took this disclaimer to a whole new level. Before every episode, their disclaimer states: "All characters and events in this show - even those based on real people –- are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated.....poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.” – Bonus points to Trey Parker and Matt Stone for this. But how does this disclaimer work for movies that advertise that they are based on real life people and situations – Mahesh Bhatt and Madhur Bhandarkar please explain. On another note, why do fantasy movies use this disclaimer? Is some dude going to walk up to James Cameron in the year 2029 and say you made a movie on my life without my permission. I am the real Terminator and “I will be Back” - to sue your ass.
Batteries not included. – This is a good one. I think on every Monday morning, all people going to work can use this disclaimer for not getting over the fact that the weekend has actually ended. This specially works well, when the company expects you to recharge your batteries over the weekend using rest as a tool, but against all better judgement, you decide to go out and drain your already exhausted batteries with the help of some late night parties. Don’t care much about the TV remotes and toys that don’t come with batteries though, as I personally use neither.
As seen on TV – This line usually appears on exercising equipment of various sorts like ab-crunchers, thigh firmers, and ankle smashers which are being sold on TV during the oddest hours of the night by some seriously flat chested women. The people watching these infomercials are usually lazy slobs who wouldn’t move a muscle during an earthquake if something even vaguely interesting (such infomercials for instance) is on TV. “As seen on TV” helps such people instantly identify these products on the rare occasion they decide to venture out. I suggest that the use of this phrase should be extended to celebrities who hog the limelight on TV all the time. Example: Rakhi Sawant – As seen on TV, Paris Hilton – As seen on TV.
Avoid contact with eyes and skin – Ok good I read this one, otherwise I would end up shampooing and conditioning my eyes yet again. On some other not so rare occasions, I have also tried to moisturise my eyes, tried to use hair colour on them, washed them with detergent, disinfected them with Harpic, and eventually ended up screaming painfully “My eyes, My eyes!!”
Keep out of reach of children. – Children are a menace to society, I know, because I used to be one, a long long time ago. Instead of restricting this disclaimer/warning to medicines and other stuff that may cause kids bodily harm, I think the scope of this notification should be extended to places and things, which if fall into the hands of kids, can cause material or emotional distress to Adults. I wish that all watches, cellphones, jewellery, restaurants, movie theatres, cosmetics and shoe stores came with this disclaimer.
Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. – All good looking, intelligent and rich people should put up this disclaimer on their Facebook profiles as soon as they are made available to the hoards and masses who complain that all the good people are already taken or married. This will save everyone a lot of trouble and agony.

If you think there are any other Disclaimers worth mentioning. Let me know and they shall be included here even if they are “For education purposes only”

Where there is a Will...

2011-07-12T20:45:00.002+05:30

I am very very sick today, could not even go to work. To all the people who know me as a non exaggerating, matter of fact kind of person, let me tell you that my fate is doomed and I might succumb to this incessant sneezing and coughing any moment now. So, before I meet my untimely demise, let me distribute my legacy to my near and dear ones.

Let me start with family. To my eldest niece Nancy I leave behind my sennheiser headphones, cause its the only German thing I have in my house. To my dear niece Gargi, I bestow all my cookery books, utensils, spices and unused rations, please admit that you can’t cook nothing and its high time you learn how to make your own cake and eat it too. To my nephew Vinayak, I leave behind my cell phone, just to let you know that people can survive with non-android phones, and since it’s not it the nature of guys to throw away technological stuff away, it will always put a smile on my face to know that somewhere out there, my non GPRS activated, non android, shit of a cell phone is giving you nightmares. To my youngest and very dear niece Ishita, I shall leave my Laptop, coz darling; you need to come online more often. For my sister Saru, I have only these lines to offer: “Tera tujhko arpan, Kya Lagey mera!”

Now, for my friends, who have served me well, by being my mentors and guides in this treacherous world, I shall leave behind things befitting their individual personalities. To Kartik I leave behind, my pre-paid rented house in Mumbai, do enjoy my humble abode while it lasts till April of 2013, for my landlord will never return my PDCs which are already in his custody, and do me a favour, make your stay at my place a living nightmare for the society secretary who lives right next door. To Wriddhi, I shall leave behind the Holy Grail, my precious Cosmopolitan collection. Now you can have access to sure ways to please your man in 25 easy steps, and learn about flirting tips that work. To Nishant Sir, I leave behind my entire watch collection, which includes 4 wrist watches and 1 wall clock because you need to learn to reach places on time. To Simon, I leave my refrigerator, for I would hate to let all the food stocked in there, go to waste, also I leave behind my unpaid credit card balance in your name, to continue the weekend movie adventures even after I’m gone. To my dearest friend Nidhi, I leave in your good care, my entire shoe collection, for you are a true connoisseur and have cursed me enough number of times for not getting any good ones for you.

For Mr. Anupam Padmanabhan, I leave my Wi-Fi Connection, because no one I know, loves to be online as much as you do and also it seems that you always have this uncontrollable desire to post your current locations on Facebook, god forbid, anyone should not know where you are at any given time of the day. For Mohit Neb, I leave my guitar, for I’m sure, sitting in that dark dusty corner, my guitar gently weeps to be taken out and strung, as god intended, and not to be carefully packed inside its bag, as I intended. To Aftab, I leave my collection of board games, which comprises of Monopoly, Cluedo, Scrabble and Pictionary in remembrance of those afternoons well spent at barista, playing Pictionary, for I haven’t met many guys besides you who can be interested for any board games. For Sarab Sandhu, I leave my skipping rope, sorry brother, don’t have any other exercising equipment besides that in my house, also I shall mail you the video of your shameful dance involving Kiits Malhotra and Sabbar on Papi Chulo, I firmly believe no person should live to see it, please hide it in some safe folder and lock it!

To Hanumant Paliwal, I leave behind my printer/copier/scanner, now you can find your Google maps, download them and take colour prints of the same on your next trip, wherever to it might be. To Sonia Rai, I present my aroma therapy candle collection, girl, stop being so high strung in life, just take a deep breath, light up the candles and relax. To Aparna, i leave my cosmetics collection, its all brand new, as I hardly know how to use any of it, it’s just a goodwill gesture for tolerating me as a roommate and for any fights that might have occured over not asking before using any of your stuff. I truly treasure your and sabbar. To Varun Kaushik, I leave my entire Dilbert Collection, it might not match your Chinese cartoon standards, but yes whenever I see a Comic/Cartoon, I don’t know why I’m reminded of you. To Ashish Singh, I leave behind this blog, for the world needs to know about the crazy stuff you have going on in your head, and you are one of the few people who have truly mastered the art of Bakar (thanks to all sorts of ruhaani shaitaani takats working in your favour).

I would like to donate my entire wealth of 50 K lying idly by in my bank account to “Save the Unicorn Foundation”....hmmm... who am I kidding? It needs to be sent to the Government of India for their nuclear warfare development program.

So that will be all for now, hoping to get over this sickness soon, if not, everyone knows what they are getting.

PS: If I survive to see the dawn of the day after the day after tomorrow, the agreement to bestow all the things mentioned above shall become null and void. Get your own stuff, you lazy people!

The Legend of Saru

2011-07-10T19:39:00.004+05:30

Throughout the history of humankind, there have been people who have risen to the status of Legends. In my household, this status belongs to my very dear sister Saru. As goes with all legends, you hear stories, some believable, some downright implausible about them. So I will try and recall some of these believe it or not stories about the person who lent out a part of her name to me for all eternity.

My earliest childhood memories are that of standing on my balcony looking down awaiting my sister’s arrival and when she arrived, rushing to the stairs to welcome her home. I remember nothing else from ages 0-5, but this scene comes and goes like a flashback of an ominous dream, wonder why? I also remember a rag doll she got me once she was visiting home from college, also the fact that she used to receive an awful lot of letters and cards and that she bought a Phillips Hi-fi music system with gigantic speakers once, but I was only a child then, what would I know.

When we were kids, she loved to teach us all lessons. You know, it's hard to picture her without hearing her saying, "I'm going to teach you a lesson, you fools!!”. Her fondness to teach us lessons can be derived from the fact that as a child she wanted to be a teacher, and not because of her love for knowledge or books but to have access to a larger pool of children who could be taught a lesson or two. I wonder how that could have worked out given the fact that as a child, so I have been told, she had the weird lisp that was incidentally copied by shahid kapoor in the movie kameeney, during those days her introduction used to be... Faru Farma, Nurfery A. I think people of all ages, genders and nationalities can benefit from these lessons, though some of them contain certain aspects of violence.

The Lesson of Tough Love!

Children, at an early age, realize that public humiliation is the best tool to turn the tide in their favour. Of course, most of them have ever met Ms. Saru, for she has often stood calmly next to a wailing child in the market, and offered the child a critique on his/her tantrums by saying that the outburst was lacking effect, drama and soul. This critique was usually followed by a well thought through suggestion that the child in question should in fact lay down on the road, roll on the ground for a little bit just to make their case a little believable for consideration. That’s how we learned how to be content with whatever we get.

The Lesson about extra terrestrial life!

Some people have weird phobias, like fear of vegetables, fear of ugly people etc. The children of my house had a fear of aeroplanes. Like all phobias have a story behind them, this fear of aeroplanes was based on a fact shared by my sister with our nieces that whenever an airplane flies by, there are people on that plane watching out for children playing alone outside of their homes, and whenever they find a child like that, a hand comes out from the aeroplane and grabs them and takes the child away with them. This is the reason that whenever an airplane flew past our house, our nieces ran inside for cover screaming for their lives, the fact that we used to live next to a ground which was often used as a helipad caused many afternoon mayhems. This is how we learned about life outside out planet.

Lessons in Education!

My sister has influenced the education of a whole bunch of children that were born after her. She was the first one in the family to get an MBA degree and according to the latest census our house has a total of 5 MBAs and counting. If this trend continues, pretty soon we would be able to open an MBA college of our own. I admit I could have become a great chef, if only she had not shown her contempt for the hotel industry by saying that if someone from my family joins that industry, I will personally ensure their loss of life. Having been a victim of her numerous slaps during the course of many math homework sessions, I never could take that chance. This is how we learned what to be in life.

Lessons in Fashion!

I know my sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes even though she has to go out and buy new ones for herself. I once told someone, I can only wear clothes that were bought either by me or my sister, and I get complimented only when I am wearing her clothes. My clothes/shoe collection continues to grow, courtesy of her hand me downs. I proudly admit, in the past 3 years, I have only purchased 3 items of clothing, and still have no place to keep all my clothes. She has so many clothes and shoes that she can put a well stocked up Marks & Spencer’s store to shame. You know how people go out for shopping to feel good, because they can catch a glimpse of new and beautiful stuff, for the same feeling, I just had to walk into the next room open her wardrobe. Oh what a splendid sight it wass! This is how I learned to be speechless!

Lesson about teaching others a lesson!

I have only heard these inspirational stories about her, so don’t know how true they are. Story number one is about how she beat up a guy with her bare hands on a railway platform when he tried to misbehave with her and how the crowd applauded after this spectacle. Story number two is about a guy who used to constantly bug her in college and used to turn up every other day at her hostel and how she one day decided to meet him, took him inside the hostel and asked her friends to dress him up in a sari along with well coordinated make up and jewellery so that he could be humiliated enough to not bother her again. These stories taught us how to stand up for ourselves and not take shit from anyone at all!

Lessons in Beauty!

Being as beautiful as she is, I admit once upon a time I used to be really jealous of her but with age i have come to appreciate her beauty and how she is not at all pompous about it. Only last week, I got a call from a friend of mine, who very bluntly told me that she saw my sister’s photographs from her college days, which was followed by a comment on how pretty she is and how i am nothing in front of her, believe me it was a weird call to get at 7:30 in the morning. On another occasion, she came to drop me for my train back to college, when a guy friend of mine was dumbfounded for the entire time she was there, as soon as she left, the first question out of his mouth were, who was she? When I told him, she is my sister and a little too old for you, I could actually hear his heart shatter to pieces. This is how i learned to be humble about gifts from God!

Lessons yet to be learnt!

Among many other things that she has already taught me, there are lessons yet to be learnt. I would like to learn to be as poised, neat and sophisticated as her. I would love to learn how she manages to be sensible all the time and the reasons why my parents always give priority to her opinions than mine. If only I can match up to half her personality in my lifetime i would die a happy person.

A perfect sister I am not, but eternally grateful for the ones I've got.

Nakkadwale Disco! Udharwale Khisko – A Critical Analysis

2011-06-09T05:30:00.007+05:30

Since the time I have moved to Mumbai, filmmakers have been conspiring to remind me that I am far away from home. If you don’t believe me, then just look at the names of some of the movies that have been released in the past 3 years – Delhi 6, Chandini Chowk to China, Chalo Dilli and now Delhi Belly. In an attempt to have my revenge on these heartless Shitlers (Shitler (n.) Its like Hitler, only worse), I will now attempt to critically analyze the latest Hit song from Delhi Belly.... Nakkadwale Disco... you know the rest.

At a glance, this seems like a typical fresh, forget the rulebook kind of youth oriented song with freakishly awesome lyrics, but on a closer look you shall discover a treasure of deep and meaningful rhymes hidden in this gem of a song. Other highlights of the song include the fact that Veer Das can play bass on a Sitar and for those who had forgotten that there is a musical instrument called Harmonium there is a reminder, evenly placed after every 8 seconds through out the song, to assure you that the myth called harmonium does exist.

The Lyrics for this classic goes like this:

Teri tirchhi nazar ne dil ko kar diya pen-char (times 2)

Since the movie is going to be based on Delhi (a direct inference from the name of the movie, only July 1, 2011 can prove me wrong), there had to puns on mispronunciation of English words by the general public of Delhi-Haryana-U.P. belt, hence the mention of words like pen-char, hen-tarr etc. Had time permitted, epic words like is-kooter, fillum, poblam etc. could have been included as well. Lets file this line of the song under fine examples of Borderline chetra-waad.

Oye penchar (times 5)
Teri tirchi nazar ne dil ko kar diya penchar

A repeated reference to the word “penchar” underlines the importance of the punctured heart... We can now safely establish that this song is about a pen-charred dil...

Nakkaddwaley Disco, udhaarwaley khisko (times 2)
sa ni re…. (Let’s leave this one line alone)
Nakkaddwaley Disco, udhaarwaley khisko (times 2)

If you look closely at the video of this song, you will find that the prayojak of this song is one “Karol Bagh Cultural Association”. Now the KBCA seems to be an association of current and former disgruntled canteen owners from the North Campus Colleges. Since throughout their entire lifetimes they have handed out more bailouts to students than the federal reserve can ever dream of, this line seems to be a kind of subliminal message placed carefully in the middle of the song for the youth, as otherwise these lines seem to have no connection whatsoever with the rest of the lyrics.

Tumko dekha toh kho gaya
Main fell in Love sa ho gaya

These lines have a direct reference to Einstein’s theory of relativity. Time moves slower for a faster moving object. Hence when struck with a fast moving, ever changing, object like love, the obvious reaction will be a feeling of you falling in a state of eternal stupor.

Socha tumne bhi Hint diya

Maybe she did give you a hint, maybe she didn’t, or maybe you are just a paranoid psychopath!

Lekin Sandal ka Print diya

This is my favourite line as here “Reality Kicks In”...And quite literally! All paranoid psychopaths and molesters roaming free on the roads of Delhi, like him, deserve similar treatment.

Dil tukde tukde ho gaya
Uss din main jaldi so gaya

The first line is a fine example of the Atishyokti Alankar. For those who need to go back to refer their hindi grammar books from the 5^th Standard, it means that when the lyricist compares the heart with something like your wine glass, which can be shattered to pieces in a state of drunken stupor, it is a hyperbolic exaggeration. Whenever you reach such a state of mind where you start comparing your job to be as glamorous as a cold sore, or saying that someone has a thousand yard smile or calling something as exclusive as KRK’s fan club, the best resort is to go to sleep early that day, as the second line of the verse suggests. A go-to-Sleep time of 7:30 PM seems quite appropriate.

Hoye maara tune Left Right and Center

The song gets educational here, teaching us directions, apparently forgetting about up and down. So Children, always remember to look not only to the left and right but also concentrate on the centre!

Hoye sandal (times 5)

Instant identification with the Sandal (Return of the Nemesis!)

Nakkaddwaley Disco, udhaarwaley khisko (times 2)

(Subliminal message alert!)

Iss dil ki nakadi le lo na
Aur pyaar udhaara de do na

Ok... so these lines are about a new product launch. After Loan against property, gold, shares, LIC policies etc., Dena Bank is proud to present loan against body parts, case in point being the application for a loan of love against a pen-charred dil.

Meri kismat mein hai chhed koi
Baby, isko aur kuredo na

Here the guy is not sure what's wrong... But he is almost sure that the girl is to blame! So he is just asking her to back off! He clearly doesn’t know what he wants.... Do you want the girl to be with you or do you want the girl not to bug you? Because both the things can’t happen simultaneously for sure!

Mere laakhon sapne tootein hain
Sab mauke haath se chhoote hain

Dude, that’s why you need to work in the UK shift! You can sleep to your heart’s content, so no broken dreams there. You’ll always reach work on time... so no missed opportunities. A 9-5 Job isn’t going to do you any good.

Hai maar na maar na inkaaron ke hentar

The Key to a thousand blows lies in a single No!

Oye penchar (times 5)

If there is anything that Himesh Bhai/Justin Beiber have ever taught us, its the fact that “Repetition is catchy!”

O teri..!

The most appropriate ending to a diabolical song!

If you want to be worth anything in your life, please put this song on an eternal loop on your playlist!

Makes me Wonder

2011-01-25T01:06:00.004+05:30

Some Random Observations over the last few months.

Posters on Best Buses:

Recently came across one BEST bus, which had a huge Advertisement on its arse reading : Is your pressure cooker an earning member of your family?

What an intriguing question! Let me think… The combined number or pressure cookers owned by my family is 5.... We have 3 earning family members, so if add the numbers and multiply by 12 and then add 64 to it and then divide that by 30. Then number of zeroes being added to our household income by our pressure cookers is …Oh Yes Yes… Its Zero! The fine print at the bottom of the arse of the bus had some calculations about how much energy a pressure cooker saves and some periodic tables calculating time value of money and penny saved is penny earned kind of idioms. It kind of looked like my 8^th Standard English class married my MBA Economics class. Wonder who makes such intelligent adverts.

Banned Sites:

In spite of various alphanumeric regulations sponsored by CMMI, ISI, FYI and CSI being used by companies for blocking various websites at work, some employees always find ways to access Facebook, Gmail, Myspace and some people from Stone Age access Orkut too, without ever getting caught. But whenever the list of defaulters accessing banned sites is circulated to all and sundry in the department, the list will always have the name of one poor chap who is labeled under accessing Adult and Mature Content because he spelt the Word Apron as Aporn.

The Beauty Parlor Intelligence:

The best place to gauge the intelligence of womankind in any particular city is its beauty parlors. The lady customers at these parlors have a certain “je ne sais quoi” about them. Here, they feel uninhibited about their stupidity and seem to be riding high on a severe dosage of moronic acid. In one such Parlor I overheard a conversation between the beautician and some chick with her face covered in some green slime (Since I don’t know her name, let’s call her hulk because the green slime made her look like that). The beautician was inquiring about her job, when “the Hulk” announced that she works for a company in the BPO sector and that the sector pays well and provides her with various sorts of exposure and learning. Before the Hulk could elaborate all the benefits and perks she was getting through this job the beautician interrupted her and asked her a very sincere question… What does BPO Stand for?

A long awkward pause followed this question; and after some brief contemplation the Hulk replied, it stands for “Bank Process Outsourcing”. The women around her seemed enlightened; life teaches something new every day. We use millions of abbreviations, who knew a simple acronym could have such a profound meaning. If only the guys working at the Vodafone Call center knew that they were somehow working for a Bank.

Show Cause Notices behind the Auto Rickshaw Driver’s seat:

My trip from home to work is a 30 minute auto rickshaw ride. One day I saw a notice behind the driver’s seat which had a 3 step training program for the passengers.

Always address the driver as “Aap”
Don’t bargain on the fare
Always remember to thank the rickshaw driver.

Now what I don’t understand is that at what point exactly am I supposed to thank the rickshaw-wala. Is it when he asks me where I have to go, what route I would take and all that he wanted to know but was afraid to ask, and then says no he wont go there... or when 126 rickshaws zoom past me each morning ignoring me as if I am sikander kher’s upcoming flick or should I thank him when I tell him my destination, and he makes a facial expression of such contempt as Vijay Mallaya would have made if I had told him that his next holiday home destination should be the Gaza Strip.

Life is Unfair… Now What??

I am Crasssy About Eleesshh!!

2009-08-03T13:57:00.003+05:30

Yesterday, I witnessed on television, an event, greater in magnitude and importance than the Olympics, FIFA World Cup, The miss Universe Pageant and America’s Elections, all put together. Its rarity and peculiarity can be compared to the Halley’s Comet and this event was called, Rakhi ka Swayamvar. Now that Rakhi has put a seal and stamp on her crassiness about Eleessss (Elesh Parujanwala), I am feeling a void. Why God Why! Why me??? I wanted to see a second season of this show… You can’t leave me high and dry like this! Now what am I supposed to do at 9:00 PM sharp every day. My life seems so pointless without Rakhi, I have nothing to look forward to. This is Cheating!

For all those who missed this epic of an episode here are some excerpts. This piece might seem a little distorted and that’s because right now and even while I was watching the show I was drowsy on heavy medication.

The evening was being hosted by Mr. Ram Kapur and the venue was Mumbai ka chamchamata hua Leela Hotel, turning the whole event into a Raam Leela. On stage Rakhi didi looking like draupadi with 4 chandelier like something hanging from the ceiling of her head, Ram bhaiyya and Ravi Kisaan Bhaiyya, and the three could be grooms - Lallu, Bhallu and Golu (aka kshitiz, elees and manas respectively). Ram bhaiyya has 5 mikes, he has kept the best one for himself (the one which actually works) and the rest have been distributed between the families and grooms and Rakhiss. The audience back home is expected to keep their thumb stationed at the remote’s volume button since the volume is at blaring levels when Ram Bhaiyya speaks and inaudible when anyone else speaks.

Rakhi begins by thanking Ram Bhaiyaa, Ravi kisaan bhaiyya, all Mummyjis, Papajis, Aru ji (for watching all episodes) and proclaiming her haepyiness about everything. Then comes the moment of truth (Not sach ka samna!)

Ram Bhaiyya to Bechain Rakhi: To Rakhi kya aap apna dulha chunney ko taiyyar hain?

Bechain Rakhi:… (long pause)……. No Ram Bhaiyya…. Not before I sing a thousand hymns in praise of my ishtdev, Jejus, I want his blessings before I take any decision. Jejus aap mere andar aaiyye, kyunki main aapke bina kuch nahi kar sakti. (Jejus Choir arrives, everyone starts looking up and singing profusely)

**********************Hymns Conclude*********************

Ram Bhaiyya (annoyed waley): To rakhi ab agar aapka Dhong khatam ho gaya ho to aap apna decision batayeingi?

Bechain Rakhi: Agar mere decision se baaki families ka hard break hota hai to main kshamas mangna chahti hun… ye decision sunatey huey meri dhadkans tez ho rahi hain, chahey to Cardiogram kara lo

Ravi Kisaan Bhaiyya: Common Rakhi… You can do it, Poora desh wait kar raha hai is ch*#iyape ke end hone ka… ab to bata do… Just do it! (Is dialogue ke prayojak they Nike)

Bechain Rakhi: Ram bhaiyya,…. Ravi Bhaiyya… maine chuna hai….

*Commercial Break*

Fortune 500 Companies like Revital, Unwanted 72, Medimix sabun etc. are sponsoring the show

*program resumes*

Rakhi looking confused as to who should she choose… She walks towards the grooms, the 52 week billboard chart topping number “Piya se milne ko bechain.... dhoondhe sajna ko din raat rakhi (aaa...laaa... laa)” is playing in the background. Rakhi walks past the first groom, then the second one, then the third one…. Has Rakhi decided to hold Swayamvar part 2 or Will Rakhi marry Ram bhaiyya??? When such questions were just crossing my mind, she turned back and chose… Elessh…

I knew it! High fives everywhere…. After all Rakhi was crasssy about elesss…..

Bechain Rakhi: Maine Elesh ko isliye chuna kyunki wo bohat machyure hain, wo NRI hain, unke paas bohat paisa hai, main bollywood se bore ho chuki hun aur ab main Toronto me Item Numbersss karna chahti hun….

*Ceremony Ends*

Unlike most people I do not look down upon Rakhi, infact I am thankful to her for adding new dimensions to my English vocabulary! I learnt several new words and newer ways of pronouncing those words in this one month. I have learnt of new relationships like Sishter in Low and Maather in Low; of the random S’s that can be used in the middle or at the end of the words; New ways of pronouncing anniversary (Rakhi’s version: Annvensary), Mature (R’s V: Machore); The 50 million Waaaoooos (Wow!) that she used to throw away in each episode kind of like the world bank distributes aids to the bhooka nanga countries. I have also learnt of sentences which sound like phrases. Mummy so good, papa so good (I mean why waste any energy on verbs). I have learnt of plastic facial expressions and fake lofters.

Anyways I will miss Rakhi didi and as for Elessh all I have to say is that “agar patni sataye to humko bateyein”

Mona daaa..arrling…….. Sona kaha hai…..?

2009-06-16T14:25:00.003+05:30

During the last days of my graduate college, my Badee Didi asked me to make a CV and start applying for the campus placements. In the hobbies section of that CV, using my “chalaak lomdi type dimaag” I put, SLEEPING. This heroic act of mine was followed by “do thappad” from my sister and me being forced to write fictitious hobbies like stamp collection and music etc. (The other hobbies I was forced to delete were avoiding homework, Collecting toothbrush handles and Writing Tabloids on my neighbors). Now if I got through any job interviews using that fictional CV is another story but for now let me speak of my real factual hobby, i.e. sleeping.

I have many excellent qualities, but once I go to sleep, it takes atleast a string quartet singing qawallis at blaring sound levels to wake me up (Lead singers of this quartet ought to be nothing less than Altaf Raja, Bappi Lahiri, Narendra Chanchal and Shabbir Kumar). A Yawn generated in any corner of the room catches my attentive eye and with due respect I try to reciprocate the gesture with an even wider one. I have thus established a “Yawn Sambandh” of sorts with many people who share this hobby. Some people make tall claims that they have a cure for this itch, as seen, painted on the walls surrounding all major railway tracks in northern India: “Yawn Rogi” fauran milein, hotel sunshine, bus stand ke peeche, Dr. Juneja, but I sincerely doubt their expertise regarding this matter.

I have enjoyed different aspects of sleeping throughout my life. I have latched the room from inside and slept like a horse, forcing my parents to get the door broken, but miserably failing in disturbing my sound sleep. While sleeping, I had once dropped my Pillow on a burning Kachua Chaap, without realizing that the room was soon filling up with smoke. The only comment I had to make in my sleep regarding this was that “lagta hai koi neeche ke flat me hawan kar raha hai”. I have sleep walked as well, taking a tour of my home at 3:00 AM which ended at counting all the tomatoes in the fridge. And since the day doesn’t provide ample opportunity for me to express my thoughts, at times I do sleep talking as well. I have dozed off while talking on the phone. I have also enjoyed naps during classes and exams. Once an irate teacher woke me up with his sarcastic comment, “Miss Sharma ..aaaa…. Am I singing a lullaby??... I can’t understand… How do you manage to sleep inside the class, outside the class, inside your hostel room, in the morning, during night, during exams, when I can’t sleep a wink till 4 AM…” (I so wanted to say that sar umar ka takazza hai, aur hamara caliber hai, warna ye sabke bas ki baat kahan?)

Sleeping is not a simple act, there are different kinds of sleeps that I have encountered.

The Cinemaa-Scope Sleep: This is the act of intentionally falling asleep next to a laptop playing your favorite movies or movies with your favorite stars. For example to get a John Abraham infested dream, I would intentionally play Jism and go off to sleep. * the contents of the dream shall not be disclosed due to censorship laws *

The Sleep Jam: No, It’s got nothing to do with jam and bread, you hungry type ke people! This is the act of sleeping with ear phones on, listening to your favorite music throughout your sleep. This usually ends with either your mp3 player falling off during the time of your hourly bed roll or can at certain times lead to some very nice musical numbers like “Tumsa koi pyaara koi masoom nahi hai , kya cheese ho tum khud tumhe malum nahi hai” getting stuck in your head for the whole day.

The Sleep Coma: Usually an alcohol infested sleep, when you are not aware of your where-abouts. I have seen people sleep under a heapful of books (and they were not studying), on the staircase, in the washrooms and corridors as well.

The Sleep Flux: The point in time when you'd usually be sleeping, but the computer monitor or the TV is keeping you awake. You are too tired and lazy to turn off the damned thing (even if it is a re-run of “Rakhi ka swayamvar” or some random shaitaani site that you opened a minute ago) The boredom is so great, that you think the prospect of sleeping is too boring to try. You'd rather keep listening to music on your iPod late into the morning

Sleep scars: These are marks left on your face or body by pillows, night-wear or bed-sheets after a goodnight's rest. These marks can give you a scare, as you end up looking like some character out of an Alien movie or a person who has just escaped from the trap of Jigsaw from a SAW movie

Sleep Shoot: The Picture portfolio of your photographs taken in compromising positions by your back stabbing friends and ill-wishers when you were sleeping during a class or at work. Usually a Sleep shoot acts as a good bargaining chip or just as a tool for your humiliation.

The Sleep Nazis: A person (generally your roommate), who insists on sleeping at a certain time each night and will even try to convince you to sleep early too. Although this person will try to dilute your intellectual capabilities by forcing you to watch serials like Sanjeevani, Utaran and some random serial based on “Baal-Vivah”, running at blaring sound levels but you can’t even think of watching a late night movie on your laptop because this person cannot sleep with a computer monitor on and doesn't budge even if you offer to position the monitor so as not to disturb him/her. Usually uptight about really minor stuff. Gets pissed off easily at night.

I am 39% bored in life (Souce: Facebook Quiz: How bored are you?, edition June 19^th, 2009) and hugely inspired by the great napping legends like Narsimha Rao, Haradanahalli Doddegowda Deve Gowda, Atal Bihari Vajpayee from the spheres of politics(Ye…“Mr. Prime Minister takes a small nap, someone nudges from behind, Vajpayee jee Wakes up all startled”… Acchi Baat Nahi hai!) and the likes of Hemant Kumar from the music Industry who preferred to sleep even while singing (Ye raat *nap* ye chaand….*dozing*…nee *Yawn* fir kahan…). So sleeping is my favorite refuge. India ke wicket jaldi gir gaye, Solution: So jao. Flight do ghante late hai, Solution: So jao. There is no one in your house to talk to, Solution: So Jao. Traffic bahut jyada hai...gaadi chalaate chalaate so jao. Exam kal hai, padhne ka man nahi hai, so jao. Footpath khaali hai...so jaao… Lift abhi tak mere floor pe nahi pohnchi, so jao… Barish ho rahi hai, So jao… Dhoop pad rahi hai, So jao… Movie Boring hai, So jao. My Sleepatite can put the likes of Kumbhakaran to shame. At times I fail to realize that how did my 5 minute nap turn into a 5 hour sleepathon, I guess I am a “Sleep” Junkie, but I am proud to be one.

Anyways, It's not easy to juggle a stressful job and household chores, but somehow I manage to fit in eight hours of Sleep a day. Now if you'll excuse me I have some Z’s to catch.

The Chronicles of Wriddhi

2009-06-12T19:16:00.005+05:30

Once upon a time in a jungle far far away, the land called Dorli, I met a goliath, his name was Wriddhijit.
His size is complimented by his sense of humor of mammoth proportions and he is blessed with the power to see things differently. His only concern in life is that what will happen to all the gems of wisdom that he so freely produces. He wants them to be shared as his legacy and contribution to the world of demented. So here begin “The chronicles of Wriddhi”

The One where Wriddhi became an Alien
One fine Wednesday morning I got a message from a worried Wriddhi. The Conversation went like this:
wriddhijit: accha suno… kisi se kehna mat... main alien hun....
me: kya? par kyun?
wriddhijit: didnt it come as a surpise to u...? me being alien... is it normal..??
me: no… quite expected i wud say
wriddhijit: then its ok, coz i was worried... I’m informing office, I don’t know if they would still keep me
me: i think if u r an alien with an indian nationality it wud do; they can’t throw u out. Waise kaunse planet se aaye ho tum?
wriddhijit: u cannot pronounce it with a single tongue....
me: how many tongues would I need?
wriddhijit: in ur language / tongue the closest u can pronounce or hear is aarghonicsd
me: And are there any others of your creed here?
wriddhijit: yes... shubham rai resembles one.. but he is vehemently protesting... he is worried that we may take him back and he may not work for rentimental. Now suddenly I am getting a feeling that I do not belong to this place. Chalo anyways... thanks for the good time we had together.. u accepted me like I was one of u..
me: we had no other choice
wriddhijit: I will send some intra-celestial postcard when I do go back, till then try to convince Shubham and send him back.

The One where Wriddhi plays with the emotions of Movie names and Songs
Wridhhi loves to analyze songs and movies. He holds a unique perspective about them which no critic or director can ever think of. For example here are some of the atyachaars that he has done with the names of movies:
shaka laka boom boom - dirty dancing on nasal tunes
nache nagin baje been - Ananconda part 3 - the sound of music
ulfat ki nayi manzilein - When love got lost in the lanes of Manhattan
curious case of ganja(bald) mutton – he wants to cast Raghu/Rajeev of MTV fame in the leading role

He also intends to make a Bhojpuri Classic : “Choli utaro Holi hai”
According to him this movie is to have a hit dialogue
".. utar phenk iss choli ko beti... jis choli ne tujhe hamesha samaj me peche hee rakha he... aaj holi ke pavitra din me.. choli utarke tu chala de goli...woh he kis khet ki mooli???”

His favorite Dialogue : " will shove the gun so much up in ur arse that u will beg for bullets.."
Wridhi on his favorite actor: Mithunda... bhagwan he… hum unhe prabhuji bulate he… and unke movies unke leela he… prabhuji ki leela

Wriddhis versions of songs:
Bhaiyya ji peek barsayo.. mera mehboob aaya hai

He feels that the song “Haule Haule Se Hawa Lagti Hai” from Rab ne bana di Jodi is actually about the first time experience of a couple with ting tong. With special emphasis on lines from the song like “Tu Sabar To Kar Mere Yaar, Zara Saans To Le Dildaar” and “Risthon Ki Galiyaan Tang Hai,… Khud Se Khud Ki Yeh Kaise Jung Hai, Pal Pal Yeh Dil Ghabraye, Pal Pal Yeh Dil Sharmaye, Kuch Kehta Hai Aur Kuch Kar Jaaye”

Another Ghazal was once converted to “Pyaar mujhse jo kiya tumne to kya khaogey?... Kabhi star vada pao to kabhi jhunka bhakar jaogey”

The One where wriddhi has simple concerns in Life
Wriddhi is full of questions. Bhola Bhala Wriddhi… Ye to kuch bhi nahi jaanta. He has time and again voiced his simple concerns like agar govt meri baatein sun le to kya mujh pe NSA lag sakta hai?
He once asked me, in all the glory of his innocence that “Sablok clinic me jo 100% beta hone ka guarantee card detey he woh sahi hota he ya gimmick hai?”
He also has this concern that “Jab saari duniya chhat (roof) pe patang udati thi tab uski chhat pe hawa nahi thi!”
On being transferred from Calcutta to Delhi, poor wriddhi was harassed by the girls of his class by asking questions like “Tum dilli kyun aaye, Calcutta me scools nahi hai kya?” and was made fun of coz he was the only guy in class who wore trousers and not half pants. He sadly comments that “Mere bachpan me ye sab hua tha to tum soch sakti ho ki mera bachpan kaisa beeta hoga?”

The One where Wriddhi says something out of the blue
Wriddhi feels that he isn’t that creative but the people around him, those who understand him, appreciate him and who complete him help him bring out the special talent in him. So here is a compilation of some beautiful lines uttered by this great mind, totally out of context.

You are early to bed and early to rise, oh wise man.. what is your size

Stars are burning dazzling bright in the village sky... funeral fire burning on the pyre...urs and mine paunches are increasing proportionately.. and no measurement tape can fathom by how much...

Main galey me rumaal baandh ke zeenat aman lagta hun!

Main ladkiyon ko buri nazar se dekhta hun aisa unko naa pata chaley isliye maine goggles khareed liye hain

Apna aapna kissa hai.. aapna aapna hissa hai… Koi lut jaata hai.. koi loot jaata hai

Arre suno dost.. suno tum.. paagalpan ki bata mat karo.. tumhi ne kiya hai paagal

Everything said and done.. human civilization can be divided primarily into 2 groups - one who know Pali and the other whor are gonna know pali

The one where Wriddhi hosted a Dumb Charades Competition
LAdies & Gentleman... presenting you the four wizards of dumbcharade...the living legends ... the magnificient four... First... from the mystic peaks of North... the misty mountains... Aru " ESKIMO" Sharma.... legend has it.. when she arrived.. the world turned dumb for 5 days... then came the great depression.... next.. from the dark and dangerous jungles of India... the maneater of mangalore...Wriddhijit " Dumb Duck " Banerjee... he infamously carried out a revolution without speaking a work.. his firebrand mime speeches are still read in pol. science classes... the from the scientific south... I give you... the man.. the machine.. the wizard of the oz Kartik " scissorhands " korpal.....when he acts a jwaalamukhi erupts in jupitar... and last but lot the least... Shubham " the nagrik" roy... the civilized devil of "veer chhatrasal" and " champakali" fame.... the silent assassin...so my friends.. join ur hand .. here they come... the DUMBIZARDS...

The One where Wriddhi was describing the area where he lives
With the purpose of scandalizing a poor soul this is how Wriddhi described the area where he resides:
Foo foo chawk, Phoonkne wali galiyan; daru waali road; Absolut avenue; Talli galli; Nasha nagar; Ganja chawk; Behosh basti; Madira mohalla; Nashedi nagar; Chemicals choubara; Drugs darwaza; Ketamine khatiya; Heroine haseena; Cocaine kameena; marijuana se marwana; Opium oshiwara; Charas ka chaska; Desi ma maska; Independent injenction; Tharre ka chaubara; Brown sugar ki dagar; Aasman me udte hue joints; Pani me tairti hui beediyan; Road pe rengtey hua zarda; Pedo pe uge hue chillum; Zameen me gadda hua tambaaku; Seeli hui cigret; Kachre me pada hua botal; botal ke baju me lete huey hum; fattey huey kapde; kitna dard hai teri aankhon me.. UFF!

Random Wriddhi
These are some random Gems from Wriddhi’s pitara:
Tumne wo add dekha hai jime ek chhoti bacchi astronaut banna chahti hai... raju mama ke paison se moon pe jaana chahti hai?? HDFC wala? Ticket rajumama leke denge..
Jab bacchi yeh statement deti he uske mom ke chehre pe ek ajebb sa khushi cha jaata he.. aakhir unki bhai ki tariff ho rahi he...
another one..
Maine ghar pe bola ki suno main bazaar jaa raha hun… Kuch lana hai to bata do…. Saamne se jawab aaya… jo bazaar pyaar se de de wo le aana… zyada behas matt karna… aakhir bazaar ka bhi apna ek mann hota hai ki wo kya dena chahey…

Wriddhi is a gem of a giant whose body outgrew his brains. He is the most commonly misunderstood person. He is the one who can post the results of facebook quizzes like what will you grow up to be? (The result being “Whore”) and what should your nickname be? (The result being “Cinderella”), for everyone to see with unmatched confidence. Here’s wishing a very happy birthday to him with only one question unanswered “Wriddhi tum itne acchey kyun ho?”

Ek Do Teen Chaar.... Band Karo ye Atyachaar!

2009-04-17T23:42:00.005+05:30

A few days back, lying on my bed, like an unemployed whale, with legs stretched out, I got to thinking (When I start to think, a volcano erupts on Jupiter, Sabu and I are from the same clan). My Mother has been harassing me day in and night out to prepare a Bio-Data of sorts, so that she can go ahead and play the matchmaking game (It’s still called a Bio Data, Neither a “CV” nor a “Resume” but a Bio Data in the spheres of Matrimony). I just imagined her browsing seriously through numerous profiles in the Matrimonial Pages of some newspaper like Thook-Matt Times (Sister Concern of Lokmat times) and the only image that came closer to this sight was that of a rag-picker, maybe because until a few years back the only utility that these pages had was to increase the returns on sale from the Raddi waley bhaisahab. To begin with, this whole concept of Shaadi is way beyond me, I mean till the time you aren’t married, there is always an element of “Chase”, excitement, a need and willingness to go an extra mile for the happiness of your partner but the day you are married you become as good as the sofa in the living room or the microwave in the kitchen, basically a general interference in the other one’s life. Making each other miserable becomes the sole agenda of people.

And so I got to thinking, what is it in me anyways that would make anyone who hasn’t met me want to marry me. All this arranged marriage stuff according to me, is based on false information provided by both parties, and jhooth ki buniyaad pe bane huey rishtey kahan tak chalenge? I can certainly put on wonderful faces but kiski majaal hai ki they will accept the real me… So as a challenge I am going to write below, the real true me wala BIO Data, Mummy please redirect all queries here… If the people are ready to bardashtofy this… I still have a chance in the world of Holy Matrimony, otherwise it is Adios Amigos!

So here I Go with absolutely necessary footnotes which should not be missed:

Name: Aru Sharma

Pretty much a straight answer, but don’t ask me the meaning, coz even I don’t know, I have been asked if Aru is a short form for Arundhati, Aruna, Arushi, Arunima etc etc. Sorry but I don’t know what it means, and that’s about it. Some people have tried and miserably failed in Googling the meaning of my name… Now you get to know why I am so pointless… Shuruaat hee aisee thi, naam ka matlab nahi hai meri baton ka matlab kahan se dhoondhtey ho?

Date of Birth: 25 August

I intentionally did not mention the year above, the point not being that I want to hide my age but I want to emphasize my mother’s statement ki tum ab 25 saal ki Ghodi (Female Horse) ho chuki ho… Ab waqt aa chukka hai ki tumhari shaadi ho jaye, tumhari behno ki theek time pe ho gayi thi, duniya waale blah blah blu blu bakar kartey hain.. Ye Wo, pata nahi kya kya?

Time of Birth: 10:10 pm

Kaafi bura samay tha dharti- waasiyon ke liye… aur aagey kya bolun chaachi. Ab mera Sun Sign hai Virgo, and as all virgos I am a selfless person who would do anything to help you. My sun Sign says that I am the breath and light of a better person who thinks, discriminates and displays compassion quietly. I am supposed to be Highly intelligent, possess a clever, sarcastic sense of humor that shows an awareness of myself and others, very observant and have an eye for detail, fussy and nitpicking, a perfectionist and yada yada…

Hobbies: So many… Read the foot note below

My hobbies are day dreaming, cracking sadele thakele PJs, Makkhi Machhar Maarna, Addhi raat tak jage rehna aur bahar jaa ke sadkein naapna, har weekend movie dekhna (Movies might range from Chandni chowk to china, money hai to honey hai to billu barber and one..two..three… I am an avid fan of Govinda and the likes), I love to cook but somehow somebody always feel that I am stuck to Poha and Upma and don’t venture beyond that :P. I love to Buy shoes, more is less for me, on the last count I had like some 40 pairs of footwear, and my thirst for more has still not been quenched.

Habits: Again, can’t be summarized in one line, read below.

My habits, at most instances, have been observed by others rather than me. So my habits, as people say, include, bitching about people, never taking things seriously, jealousy, I live in constant denial, I am too loud and don’t know what to speak where, I get terrible mood swings, I am as Lazzyy as a sloth bear, I am big time filmy and full of Nine Tanks (aka Nau-tanki). My mother says that I Cook well but always create such a mess in the kitchen that the cockroaches and rats of the house consider me their “IshtDev” and have opened up a temple in my honor, and if bubonic plague was to ever spread across the country, it will most certainly be due to my kitchen habits. If you are to ever open my cupboard, you are quite likely to be buried under an avalanche of clothes. But still people manage to bardashtofy me… I am grateful to all my friends for that.

Happiest Moments

Childhood memories: Learning to whistle from pados ke bhaiyyas an then returning the favor by calling his father by various names like “Ganju patel, teri khopdi me tel” and “takley”; Going to the Zoo every night with my father to watch black panthers

Adolescence: Scoring good marks in My board exams, still remember the ice cream that I got as a prize for scoring well in 10^th.

Youth: Getting in Hansraj; The first shoes I got from my first salary; Playing bachda bachda at office; laughing till me cheeks would hurt and I was about to fall off the chair.

Worst Moments:

Childhood Memories: Pulling the Hair of my nursery school teacher as she forced me to come down the slide / Throwing stones at a raging bull and then running across the colony trying to save my ass from getting in line of the bull’s horns

Adolescence: All bad memories are related to maths; My sister thrashing me like a punching bag, because I got 2 out of 5 sums wrong; Always getting border line marks in maths and hiding the report card till the last day; playing “Holly-wood” and “tic tac toe” in maths class and getting scolded for that.

Youth: Being Foolishly Shy and not proclaiming my interest in all my crushes till the age of 23. I missed out on a whole lot of good guys because of this. Some of them know who I am referring to :P

Favorites

Favorite Actors: Harman Baweja, Neil Nitin Mukesh, Rajnikant, Mithun etc. etc.

Favorite Colour: mehroon, margenta, belack, bhai-eat, rani colour

Favourite Proverb: Well Behaved Women rarely make history!

Favorite Food: Chicken Chandamama, Macchi Matondkar, Anda Shivdasani, etc.

Favorite Place: In the house – Bathroom (living in Mumbai with 2 roommates, you pretty soon learn that bathroom is the only place where you will find some solace); Outside the home – baliya, basti, gaunda, hardoi, bahraich ( I have my driver’s licence issued from this place), badaun etc.. etc…

Blood Group: O+ve (sounds like someone is calling me from the behind, “Abey Ooo… Positive ke..., idhar aa”; I have the Universal Donor Blood group, maybe that’s why people resort to “Khoon Choosna” antics with me.

Baaki to Ladki Grah Karya me daksh hai aur kaafi interesting / entertaining hai… Ab koi plss meri maa ko samjhao… Why should I be pushed into this well… Mujhe bhi jeene ka haq hai…

Still if someone is interested please mail me at dimaagmatkhao@gmail.com or kehdokiyejhoothai@yahoo.com

How to Speak Incessantly and Convey Nothing

2009-03-18T21:17:00.010+05:30

I often feel that life has been very “Meherbaan” on me and some other people around me, because only we know how to blabber with the other (probably sane) person tying to make something out of the conversation (Note: Usually the expression on this sane person’s face, while talking to the likes of us, range between a.) Mayawati’s name being suggested for marriage to him, to b.) A nuclear test of Pokharan magnitude having found its way to his stomach). So I thought that why should we be so selfish to keep all this “gyaan ka apaar bhandaar” to ourselves and not share it with everyone who aspires to be like us.

So I proudly present a guide on “How to Speak Incessantly and Convey Nothing” version 1.0

About this Guide: This guide is prepared to highlight the features of miscommunication which will be required by the user for a better understanding of the system. The functionalities available in the system are explained in a lucid manner so that it is easy for the reader to get an insight to the Conveying nothing whilst they speak. A step by step approach has been adopted to convey the features in a presentable manner.

Step 1: Exploit the magic in and of words.

While talking to the other person make sure that you are using all the words available in your vocabulary. Do not worry if they are actually relevant to the context or not, just speak you heart out. An Example has been Illustrated below. This is a conversation between A1 & A2, both masters of the art.

A1: Mere bhai! Mandir ke ghante se sar to nahi phoda na? Wo sirf Nirupa Roy ka stunt hai
kitthe hai tu ?

A2: Mai bangalore me hai, tu chandrayan me baith ke moon pe go karting kar raha hai kya
A1: Nahi pluto ke ek dhaabe par ruka hua hoon , plutonium ke pakode bane hai garam garam
saas laga ke kha raha hoon , bahu laga ke nahi.

Instead of using a simple hi, how are you, the conversation was expanded with unnecessary words making it incomprehensible, hence making a very good case study for our cause. Another example could be opening phone conversations with “Hello, Main bol raha hun”, now that’s another story that the response you get from the other end might be “Main bhi main hee bol raha hun”, but that’s irrelevant here.

Another extension of this can be the usage of jargons, use them as often as you can while speaking to anyone in office. For example what is the fun in saying “Market ki watt lagi hui hai”, instead one can use “We are facing turbulent times”, sound sophisticated and yet does not divulge any real emotions about the seriousness of the situation. Various other phrases that I have heard which hold no real meaning include:

“You have lost your Credibility” : I have lost it many times, over stupid mistakes, I am often told that I can no longer be trusted after this blunder, but somehow I regain it every night, and the next day I am at office to lose it yet again

“My Face is my Fortune” : Wonder what this means. If this were true Andrew Symonds would definitely be washing plates at some roadside Dhaba.

“You will find yourself in the Dustbins of the Corporate World” : Ahem, by the way where do these dustbins exist. Will I fit in??

Step 2: Include Unnecessary Detail

When people make a comment on anything about you or your possessions, it is mandatory for you to divulge all information about it. The question was not out of sheer concern but they really are interested in knowing about you. So the next time someone remarks “Nice Shirt”, you should tell him about the cloth quality, the store, the pantone shade, RGB and hue of the color of your shirt, a brief commentary on the factory where it was made and also the fact that you got 3 sachets of ENO free with the shirt. People Love Details!

“Beating about the Bush” is another key word here. If some asks you, what rating did “Gulaal” get? You should tell him that the movie is about politics and If asked, How was your day today? You can answer that the day was sunny. The trick here is to pick a key word from the question and the answer should talk about every aspect of that key word other than the one asked about.

HR Departments often use this tool to give fancy designations for HR Jobs, like the house keeping people are called “Office Hygiene Control Specialist” ; Receptionist becomes “Office Access Control Specialist”, tea boy becomes a “Refreshments Overseer” and a Watchman become “Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer”

Step 3: Dominate

One should always try and dominate conversations and not bother what the other has to say. Our main motive is not to hold a conversation but deliver a lecture. It is absolutely necessary for others to know about our opinions on stem cell research and if there is life beyond earth and also why we find it amusing that when Divya Bharti was singing “Aisee deewanagi Dekhi nahi Kabhi…. Maine” in the movie Deewana, she wasn’t looking at Shahrukh Khan’s face but at his midriff area.

According to our theory a good conversation is about proving that you are always right; you must insist on having the last word to every argument making the conversation go on far too long. Take every comment personally and feel obliged to point every flaw in the other person’s argument. If you come across a neutral topic, steer the conversation to a more controversial territory.

Shakespeare invented Monologues for people like us. If you find yourself dominating 80% of your conversations, Stop for a moment and Ask yourself “Given a Choice, Would I Like to speak to Myself?”. If the answer is no, then you are almost there.

Step 4: Body Language & Non verbal Cues

The other factors that will aid your communication skills are:

Develop a fake accent: Frequently use frazez generated as a result of a fake accent. E.g) "Vot's a mattah, boychik," "ouddamyway”, "yoo betcha," "pahsta" etc. they make whatever you want to say beyond comprehension for any common man born and brought up in the back waters of Dahisar

Body Language: In case the other person gets an opportunity to speak, ensure that you have a matchstick handy to pick your ear, nose, teeth or any other body part you fancy; Folded hands or grinding your teeth is also a good option for consideration. An expression of contempt for what the other person has to say is absolutely necessary.

Non Verbal Communication: Words like “Hmmm”; “…..”; “okies” etc. are good fillers which hold no specific meaning and help in prolonging the conversation towards an undefined destination.

Will give more insight into other steps some other time, I have realized Zabaan Hilana is much easier than ungliyaan chalana.!!

MTV - Fully Faltooo...

2009-03-04T13:16:00.005+05:30

Yesterday while browsing through a hundred or more channels that we have (I somehow managed to get the male gene in this aspect, I always want to have the remote and would do nothing with it except change channels), my fingers decided to halt themselves at some random channel called MTV. The channel caught me off guard as it wasn’t playing any re-run of Roadies, or G-Talk, or adverts of the soon to begin 2nd season of Splitsvilla. That reminds me that our friend Vinay Chamaria sneaked into the auditions for Splitsvilla without anyone noticing, and his mischief would not have been caught had MTV decided not to show the feats of the “moorakh junta” who came for auditions and had been rejected.
As soon as I saw his photograph on TV with a rejected stamp smeared all over his face, I called Rahul to confirm if whatever I saw was really true or is this a dream. Since he decided not to pick up my call, I called the culprit in person.
ME: Abey tu TV pe kya kar raha tha?
Vinay: Main to Assam me hun
ME: Arrey maine tujhe TV pe dekha…. Splitsvilla Rejects mein… Jhoothey… Muh kaala karwa ke waapas aa gaya aur kisi ko bola bhi nahi
Vinay: Arre mera CV select hua tha par main agle round me reject ho gaya, aapko kaise pata chala?
ME: TV pe terey muh pe Rejected ka thappa lagaa ke chaar baar tera foto flash kiya. Aur Kaise
To save him from any further embarrassment I did end the call. Poor thing got rejected in the talent round and this made me wonder what is his real talent anyways?
Not wandering away from the subject, venting out all the weird ideas to tarnish the young brain, a VJ was discussing the new trend of naming movies on “Fillumey Sawngs”, prime examples being, Bachna Ae Haseeno, Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na & Aa Dekhey Zara. They churned out all the brain juices available at MTV, and suggested a few of their own.

Zara Zara Touch ME – The story of Mika and Rakhi Sawant
Gutar Gutar – The story of a Slum Pigeon
Sarkai Liyo Khatiya – A Madhur Bhandarkar production, since he is so fond of making movies on Rooms (Page 3 for Living Room, Chandini Bar for Bar room, so this one will be for the Bedroom)
Samose me aaloo – Some random theme on Politics
Tujhko mirchi lagi to main kya karun? – Based on the feud between Salman, Shahrukh and Amir

And I thought why should we stop at songs, why not name movies on the names of Television programs as well. There are some gems waiting to be transformed into movies, and if they are, they will definitely generate some stir in the minds of a few. Remember “Junglee Toofan Tyre Puncture”, “Baingan Raja”, “Captain Vyom”, “Himgiri ke Veer”, “Raaja aur Rancho” and “Kya Banogey Munna?”
I want to support MTV’s cause too. Why should we name only some movies on songs, why not all? Ghajini could have been called “Kabhi bhoola kabhi yaad kiya”; Hello should have been named “Telephone dhun me hansne waali”; Dostana would be made as “Samander se nahake aur bhi namkeen ho gay (oops… Gaye) ho”; Oye lucky maybe christened as “Chura liya hai tumne”; Karzzzz (have I put the right number of “Zs”) can be called “Emotional Attyachhar” and Jodha Akbar would be called “Jumma Chumma De De.”
Meanwhile I got an opportunity to watch another retarded program on MTV called GTalk… I mean if this is the perception at MTV about Girl Talk then I want to quit being a girl. This programme should probably be renamed as ATalk… Auntie Talk that is. The two females on the program, Shambhavi and Anmol continue to blabber about anything under the sun, ranging from how people behave at shaadis to whether Slumdog deserved an Oscar or not. India being a free land gives an opportunity to every worthless creature on earth to voice their opinions about every worthwhile character around and this programme is a prime example. Anyways, which half-wit writes the script for these girls? Meri gully ki aunties ke paas better topics hotey hain discuss karne ke liye… Like kiski ladki kiske saath bhaag gayi, kaun apni biwi ki dhulayi karta hai etc. Atleast these conversations are able to hold some interest for some time and do not lead to a feeling of utter disgust.
What does it really take to be a VJ at MTV? Insanity I guess! I have a 2 year experience of living at Agra. Does that Count? Anyways, I quit being a TV addict a long time ago, but MTV continues to ruin my reality!

Am I A Temple Bell??

2009-02-18T10:04:00.005+05:30

The past few days have been like a nightmare. I Guess it was the last Friday the 13^th‘s effect working its charms on my life. There is Confusion and Chaos all around me and everyone is trying to push my buttons and ring me like a Temple Bell!

There is Chaos in office, with a stream of Never-ending work, for the non completion of which I get to hear loads of Gyaan every day! Imagine no Client Visits for 4 months and then you get 4 in one month besides other piling work to be completed. My mistake #1 was to mention that people think that it takes them three reminders to get me to do anything… I am being constantly reminded of this day in and day out at office… People I am not that bad! Please spare the Torture…

On the other hand My mum has gone on some groom hunting spree for me, sending me names and numbers of Guys in consideration. I hate this, Please God Save me! This isn’t half as interesting as a proper shopping spree. I get nervous breakdowns, cold sweats and Goosebumps. And on a completely different note I have been called a person befitting the profession of a Radio Jockey, because I just love to spread the word around. But then people I was always like this, what were you expecting out of me… be a little realistic about your expectations from me.

And I am now also the proud owner of new timepiece marvel… The latest addition to my morning alarm systems – “The Landlord 2000”. The USP of this system is that it will always ring before your actual alarm does, and will ask you to fill up water and take a bath, at times ranging between 6:30 AM to 7:30 AM, and guess what? There is NO snooze button… if u happen to miss the alarm, there will be SMS alerts for the same (Just when I thought that SMS alerts were the specialty of ICICI Bank or were used for cricket scores). The only way to get rid of the alerts is a Verbal Response “Yes! Will DO!” (I was born to fill up water at wee hours, thanks for making my dream come true!)

I think I am in some dream sequence... Coz my oh so ordinary life was never so helter-skelter!

At times I think that it is not people who bring trouble to me, they only suggest, it is I who walk head on into those troubles. For Example, Kartik just suggested in the passing yesterday that how would it feel if we walked to office from home and then climbed stairs to the 6^th floor, where our office is. Now that was just something he was wondering about, It was I, who with all my imbecility, made the mistake of trying his. The 3Km walk was fine, then came the stairs

1rst Floor: Oh this isn’t as difficult as it seemed

2^nd Floor: I climbed 2 floors , that’s it??! This isn’t going to be easy…

3^rd Floor: I feel like Edmund Hillary NOW! Will this Conquest of Everest ever end?

4^th Floor: I want to Kill Kartik, for suggesting this

5^th Floor: I’m Falling Apart, I’m Barely Breathing. But I’m holding on, I’m Barely holding on to you…

6^th Floor: Kill ME!

On entering the office I could see the stars, the moon, I had been transported to some alien galaxy. This couldn’t be earth and definitely not my office! All of Newton’s laws of Motion have failed me. I think I will get nightmares of a never-ending loops of stairs which I will never be able to climb, for the next few days.

The only Good that came out of this week was the news of our dear friend Barun getting fixed up for marriage with Ms. Amrita Singh (Not The actor). I suggested he change his name to Saif now… Well I would like to congratulate him and wish him all the best for his future endeavors. And as for me, I hope these days of chaotic confusion end soon!

Love, Lust and ....

2009-02-04T12:43:00.002+05:30

Today I realized one thing. The worst co-passengers that can ever exist on the face of earth are newly married couples. I had a close encounter with one on my way back from Pune to Mumbai.
Somehow in India being newly married translates to a license for Public Display of Affection. On any ordinary day, a boy and girl sitting together, at any public place (eg. Buddha Park, Lodhi Garden, Juhu beach, Bandstand etc. etc.) may be subject to the wrath of the likes of Shiv Sena / MNS / VHP, but no one bothers to unleash hell on this clan.
Thus began my journey, seated next to this newlywed couple, who I shall call Pinki - The girl and Vickky - The boy (as they were referred to in the yester years of Hindi cinema). Now if you are travelling alone, the only best thing next to falling asleep is to listen to what the other co-passengers are talking about, this gives you an insight into their lives and human psyche in general, but on this occasion the conversation was beyond endurance. I was trying to understand that what do two people who have never known each other, before they were married, talk about! The conversations ranged from Vickky asking Pinki, that how much does she think was the total spend on their marriage (… the amount estimated was good enough to feed an entire village in Uganda for one year, I guess) to what Pinki and Vickky’s mother think of each other. Matters of salary, relatives, etc. were also discussed. When all this was getting out of hand I decided to thank Mr. Varun Kaushik for the music he had very kindly bestowed upon me and “Korn” came to my rescue, but only for an hour when my headphones decided to plot against me and stopped working subjecting me to the torture again.
Now, you can still ignore whatever they talked about, but then Pinki and Vickky decided to get naughty in the car! Three other people are sitting in the car as well, have some mercy! No one is interested in seeing your kissing action… Go get a room or something…. This is not your car! While my head was screaming all these words the deadliest word came out of Pinki’s “oral cavity”… “J..A..A..N..U”… by now my mind was ready to puke… Yuck! I mean, how long have you known this guy, to call him jaanu or is it that since you’ve not know him that long… you have you forgotten his name or something and so decided to call him jaanu?… And then… Vickky decided to be brutal to my ears and called Pinki “J…A…N…A..M”…
Suddenly the world around me started to sink and in the background a song was playing… Janejigar Janeman, Tujhko hai meri kasam… Tu jo mujhe na mila mar jaoongi main sanam… Thanks for planting this song into my head… Now it’s difficult for me to bear my own self!
Atlast we reached Sion… it was a relief! I have decided to change cabs in the future if I ever sense any newlyweds trying to get into mine… So much for shared cabs… Please God! I pray to you, NEVER let me become one of their kind…

The long Weekend

2009-01-27T17:53:00.004+05:30

This picture was taken while we skydived on our adventurous 2 day trip on the 26^th January Long weekend. Pretty Cool eh..??

Well I am lying… this was taken at the beach of Harihareshwar on our boring-not so good turned phenomenal trip and this image has been turned upside down!!

Highlights of the trip:

· The oh so Angrez waiter at some roadside shakahari bhojanalya did not know the meaning of Shauchalya but was pretty sure he had a toilet at his restaurant

· A new revolutionary idea was devised where the bike would carry a stove and bhagauna to cater to the undying need of a fellow traveler whose thirst for “Chai” could never be trenched. (I guess he had like a gazillion cups of tea on the way and I also think he appears somewhere in the hall-of fame of Waghbakri chai)

· The first day was spent loathing the decision of having ever thought of the idea of coming here. Next day we found an awesome beach, one look and all our disappointments were gone!

· Riding almost 400 kms on bikes can give you blisters at such places, that won’t allow you to be seated in the same way that you did earlier, again.

Lessons learnt:

· We learnt a lesson that just a few kilometers away from total disappointment lives sheer bliss. (Comparing the beach of Saturday and Sunday)

· The ferry ride from Dighi to Murud gave new meaning to words like turmoil, doldrums, crisis, and other high quality words generally used by economists world over. I guess the boat was swaying on the waves just to remind us of our younger days spent at Appu Ghar on the Columbus ride.

· Throughout the drive back to Mumbai I could deeply empathize with the pain that Saif Ali khan of Dil Chahta hai would have suffered coming back from Goa to Mumbai on a truck. All this while I was thinking of the pillow that awaited me back home.

In all the trip was like a Hindi movie, unhappy moments, hungry moments, moments of excitement, Moments of bliss, Pain in the ass moments and then at the end of it all you reach home, where the pillow awaits you patiently.

Yes I Can!

2009-01-21T01:55:00.002+05:30

My family & friends say that only after they have said something thrice do I respond to them. Not entirely true, but this happens many times. 3 times the idea of writing a blog crossed my mind but I was always in the grip of the Greek goddess “Aergia”. I blame the delay on her. But since it is never too late here I go.

I read somewhere that there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened. 2008 was spent by me mostly as the one who lets it happen or who wonders what happened, I wanted 2009 to be a year of making it happen. So I decided on a three point agenda for 2009

Eat Healthy: Status – Mission on, bid adieu to Coke/ Chocolates/ Chips/ Burgers etc etc. welcomed Fruits/Pulses/veggies/Iced Tea and other healthy crap; I liked my American junk better.

Learn to play the Guitar: Status – bought the guitar, though no efforts have been made till now to learn/play it, kamre ke ek koney me dhool chaat raha hai, kabhi kabhi logon ko guitar ke saath pose marke foto khinchwane ke kaam aata hai

Start posting on this blog: Status – Till this point I am trying. Let’s see if I am able to end this post…

That’s why I chose this historic day, the day that Mr. Barack Obama, the YES WE CAN guy is sworn in as president of the US, to start this blog. YES if he can I can too, main kyun peechey rahun!

I was informed of this event though an SMS from Anmol (The Political guru at office) at 18:10 hrs: “Obama inaugral speech as prez of usa. Tday at 10:30pm. Don’t miss”.

I thought ok, yes I can watch this… since he has requested/ordered me to watch the speech, this is the least I can do. ( Later I found out that he had sent the same sms to everyone)

So I reach home and tell my roommates that today we are watching Obama’s Swearing in ceremony, Come what may… they kindly obliged to my request but by the middle of the ceremony, I guess they lost interest (Not sure if they had any to begin with)

So I am trying to listen to what that poor guy wants to say but there are comments flowing in from all sides:

Roomate 1 aka Annu: Obama ki wife is looking like a tortoise

Me: Why so?

Annu: Coz usne green kapde pehne hain…

Me: speechless

Roomate 2 aka Sona: Obama ki wife ne baal straight karwaye hain

Annu: Ofcourse, ab itne paise jo aa gaye hain, har cheez top quality hee hogi!

Me: Awestruck and speechless

The ceremony ends…

Annu: I think US me lunch time hogaya hoga ye log I think lunch karne gaye hain ab…

Me: Wondering what happened, moments later... get a call from kartik

Kartik: Yaar, Obama Launch ho gaya….

Me: Launch ho gaya?? Kahan se? Abhi to yahin tha…(Thinking maybe the channel I was watching has a 5 minute delayed reception or I missed it while typing this)

Kartik: I mean he is sworn in

Me: Yeah heard the crackers outside…. Wonder who in Mumbai is so happy about his swearing in

Kartik: Anmol seemed pretty excited maybe he is behind all these fireworks, let’s call him and ask him to stop.

Back to the swearing in: Mr. Obama fumbled twice, Once he was ahead of the judge in his oath then he forgot what he was supposed to repeat. (I guess it was the Ghajini syndrome affecting him and the judge being a fool never halted to let him say the oath)

Finally leaving all these goofups behind, decided not to disturb Anmol’s celebrations and go to sleep while America woke to the dawn of Yes we can…