How to Speak Incessantly and Convey Nothing

I often feel that life has been very “Meherbaan” on me and some other people around me, because only we know how to blabber with the other (probably sane) person tying to make something out of the conversation (Note: Usually the expression on this sane person’s face, while talking to the likes of us, range between a.) Mayawati’s name being suggested for marriage to him, to b.) A nuclear test of Pokharan magnitude having found its way to his stomach). So I thought that why should we be so selfish to keep all this “gyaan ka apaar bhandaar” to ourselves and not share it with everyone who aspires to be like us.

So I proudly present a guide on “How to Speak Incessantly and Convey Nothing” version 1.0

About this Guide: This guide is prepared to highlight the features of miscommunication which will be required by the user for a better understanding of the system. The functionalities available in the system are explained in a lucid manner so that it is easy for the reader to get an insight to the Conveying nothing whilst they speak. A step by step approach has been adopted to convey the features in a presentable manner.

Step 1: Exploit the magic in and of words.

While talking to the other person make sure that you are using all the words available in your vocabulary. Do not worry if they are actually relevant to the context or not, just speak you heart out. An Example has been Illustrated below. This is a conversation between A1 & A2, both masters of the art.

A1: Mere bhai! Mandir ke ghante se sar to nahi phoda na? Wo sirf Nirupa Roy ka stunt hai
kitthe hai tu ?

A2: Mai bangalore me hai, tu chandrayan me baith ke moon pe go karting kar raha hai kya
A1: Nahi pluto ke ek dhaabe par ruka hua hoon , plutonium ke pakode bane hai garam garam
saas laga ke kha raha hoon , bahu laga ke nahi.

Instead of using a simple hi, how are you, the conversation was expanded with unnecessary words making it incomprehensible, hence making a very good case study for our cause. Another example could be opening phone conversations with “Hello, Main bol raha hun”, now that’s another story that the response you get from the other end might be “Main bhi main hee bol raha hun”, but that’s irrelevant here.

Another extension of this can be the usage of jargons, use them as often as you can while speaking to anyone in office. For example what is the fun in saying “Market ki watt lagi hui hai”, instead one can use “We are facing turbulent times”, sound sophisticated and yet does not divulge any real emotions about the seriousness of the situation. Various other phrases that I have heard which hold no real meaning include:

“You have lost your Credibility” : I have lost it many times, over stupid mistakes, I am often told that I can no longer be trusted after this blunder, but somehow I regain it every night, and the next day I am at office to lose it yet again

“My Face is my Fortune” : Wonder what this means. If this were true Andrew Symonds would definitely be washing plates at some roadside Dhaba.

“You will find yourself in the Dustbins of the Corporate World” : Ahem, by the way where do these dustbins exist. Will I fit in??

Step 2: Include Unnecessary Detail

When people make a comment on anything about you or your possessions, it is mandatory for you to divulge all information about it. The question was not out of sheer concern but they really are interested in knowing about you. So the next time someone remarks “Nice Shirt”, you should tell him about the cloth quality, the store, the pantone shade, RGB and hue of the color of your shirt, a brief commentary on the factory where it was made and also the fact that you got 3 sachets of ENO free with the shirt. People Love Details!

“Beating about the Bush” is another key word here. If some asks you, what rating did “Gulaal” get? You should tell him that the movie is about politics and If asked, How was your day today? You can answer that the day was sunny. The trick here is to pick a key word from the question and the answer should talk about every aspect of that key word other than the one asked about.

HR Departments often use this tool to give fancy designations for HR Jobs, like the house keeping people are called “Office Hygiene Control Specialist” ; Receptionist becomes “Office Access Control Specialist”, tea boy becomes a “Refreshments Overseer” and a Watchman become “Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer”

Step 3: Dominate

One should always try and dominate conversations and not bother what the other has to say. Our main motive is not to hold a conversation but deliver a lecture. It is absolutely necessary for others to know about our opinions on stem cell research and if there is life beyond earth and also why we find it amusing that when Divya Bharti was singing “Aisee deewanagi Dekhi nahi Kabhi…. Maine” in the movie Deewana, she wasn’t looking at Shahrukh Khan’s face but at his midriff area.

According to our theory a good conversation is about proving that you are always right; you must insist on having the last word to every argument making the conversation go on far too long. Take every comment personally and feel obliged to point every flaw in the other person’s argument. If you come across a neutral topic, steer the conversation to a more controversial territory.

Shakespeare invented Monologues for people like us. If you find yourself dominating 80% of your conversations, Stop for a moment and Ask yourself “Given a Choice, Would I Like to speak to Myself?”. If the answer is no, then you are almost there.

Step 4: Body Language & Non verbal Cues

The other factors that will aid your communication skills are:

Develop a fake accent: Frequently use frazez generated as a result of a fake accent. E.g) "Vot's a mattah, boychik," "ouddamyway”, "yoo betcha," "pahsta" etc. they make whatever you want to say beyond comprehension for any common man born and brought up in the back waters of Dahisar

Body Language: In case the other person gets an opportunity to speak, ensure that you have a matchstick handy to pick your ear, nose, teeth or any other body part you fancy; Folded hands or grinding your teeth is also a good option for consideration. An expression of contempt for what the other person has to say is absolutely necessary.

Non Verbal Communication: Words like “Hmmm”; “…..”; “okies” etc. are good fillers which hold no specific meaning and help in prolonging the conversation towards an undefined destination.

Will give more insight into other steps some other time, I have realized Zabaan Hilana is much easier than ungliyaan chalana.!!

MTV - Fully Faltooo...

Yesterday while browsing through a hundred or more channels that we have (I somehow managed to get the male gene in this aspect, I always want to have the remote and would do nothing with it except change channels), my fingers decided to halt themselves at some random channel called MTV. The channel caught me off guard as it wasn’t playing any re-run of Roadies, or G-Talk, or adverts of the soon to begin 2nd season of Splitsvilla. That reminds me that our friend Vinay Chamaria sneaked into the auditions for Splitsvilla without anyone noticing, and his mischief would not have been caught had MTV decided not to show the feats of the “moorakh junta” who came for auditions and had been rejected.
As soon as I saw his photograph on TV with a rejected stamp smeared all over his face, I called Rahul to confirm if whatever I saw was really true or is this a dream. Since he decided not to pick up my call, I called the culprit in person.
ME: Abey tu TV pe kya kar raha tha?
Vinay: Main to Assam me hun
ME: Arrey maine tujhe TV pe dekha…. Splitsvilla Rejects mein… Jhoothey… Muh kaala karwa ke waapas aa gaya aur kisi ko bola bhi nahi
Vinay: Arre mera CV select hua tha par main agle round me reject ho gaya, aapko kaise pata chala?
ME: TV pe terey muh pe Rejected ka thappa lagaa ke chaar baar tera foto flash kiya. Aur Kaise
To save him from any further embarrassment I did end the call. Poor thing got rejected in the talent round and this made me wonder what is his real talent anyways?
Not wandering away from the subject, venting out all the weird ideas to tarnish the young brain, a VJ was discussing the new trend of naming movies on “Fillumey Sawngs”, prime examples being, Bachna Ae Haseeno, Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na & Aa Dekhey Zara. They churned out all the brain juices available at MTV, and suggested a few of their own.

• Zara Zara Touch ME – The story of Mika and Rakhi Sawant
• Gutar Gutar – The story of a Slum Pigeon
• Sarkai Liyo Khatiya – A Madhur Bhandarkar production, since he is so fond of making movies on Rooms (Page 3 for Living Room, Chandini Bar for Bar room, so this one will be for the Bedroom)
• Samose me aaloo – Some random theme on Politics
• Tujhko mirchi lagi to main kya karun? – Based on the feud between Salman, Shahrukh and Amir

And I thought why should we stop at songs, why not name movies on the names of Television programs as well. There are some gems waiting to be transformed into movies, and if they are, they will definitely generate some stir in the minds of a few. Remember “Junglee Toofan Tyre Puncture”, “Baingan Raja”, “Captain Vyom”, “Himgiri ke Veer”, “Raaja aur Rancho” and “Kya Banogey Munna?”
I want to support MTV’s cause too. Why should we name only some movies on songs, why not all? Ghajini could have been called “Kabhi bhoola kabhi yaad kiya”; Hello should have been named “Telephone dhun me hansne waali”; Dostana would be made as “Samander se nahake aur bhi namkeen ho gay (oops… Gaye) ho”; Oye lucky maybe christened as “Chura liya hai tumne”; Karzzzz (have I put the right number of “Zs”) can be called “Emotional Attyachhar” and Jodha Akbar would be called “Jumma Chumma De De.”
Meanwhile I got an opportunity to watch another retarded program on MTV called GTalk… I mean if this is the perception at MTV about Girl Talk then I want to quit being a girl. This programme should probably be renamed as ATalk… Auntie Talk that is. The two females on the program, Shambhavi and Anmol continue to blabber about anything under the sun, ranging from how people behave at shaadis to whether Slumdog deserved an Oscar or not. India being a free land gives an opportunity to every worthless creature on earth to voice their opinions about every worthwhile character around and this programme is a prime example. Anyways, which half-wit writes the script for these girls? Meri gully ki aunties ke paas better topics hotey hain discuss karne ke liye… Like kiski ladki kiske saath bhaag gayi, kaun apni biwi ki dhulayi karta hai etc. Atleast these conversations are able to hold some interest for some time and do not lead to a feeling of utter disgust.
What does it really take to be a VJ at MTV? Insanity I guess! I have a 2 year experience of living at Agra. Does that Count? Anyways, I quit being a TV addict a long time ago, but MTV continues to ruin my reality!

Am I A Temple Bell??

The past few days have been like a nightmare. I Guess it was the last Friday the 13^th‘s effect working its charms on my life. There is Confusion and Chaos all around me and everyone is trying to push my buttons and ring me like a Temple Bell!

There is Chaos in office, with a stream of Never-ending work, for the non completion of which I get to hear loads of Gyaan every day! Imagine no Client Visits for 4 months and then you get 4 in one month besides other piling work to be completed. My mistake #1 was to mention that people think that it takes them three reminders to get me to do anything… I am being constantly reminded of this day in and day out at office… People I am not that bad! Please spare the Torture…

On the other hand My mum has gone on some groom hunting spree for me, sending me names and numbers of Guys in consideration. I hate this, Please God Save me! This isn’t half as interesting as a proper shopping spree. I get nervous breakdowns, cold sweats and Goosebumps. And on a completely different note I have been called a person befitting the profession of a Radio Jockey, because I just love to spread the word around. But then people I was always like this, what were you expecting out of me… be a little realistic about your expectations from me.

And I am now also the proud owner of new timepiece marvel… The latest addition to my morning alarm systems – “The Landlord 2000”. The USP of this system is that it will always ring before your actual alarm does, and will ask you to fill up water and take a bath, at times ranging between 6:30 AM to 7:30 AM, and guess what? There is NO snooze button… if u happen to miss the alarm, there will be SMS alerts for the same (Just when I thought that SMS alerts were the specialty of ICICI Bank or were used for cricket scores). The only way to get rid of the alerts is a Verbal Response “Yes! Will DO!” (I was born to fill up water at wee hours, thanks for making my dream come true!)

I think I am in some dream sequence... Coz my oh so ordinary life was never so helter-skelter!

At times I think that it is not people who bring trouble to me, they only suggest, it is I who walk head on into those troubles. For Example, Kartik just suggested in the passing yesterday that how would it feel if we walked to office from home and then climbed stairs to the 6^th floor, where our office is. Now that was just something he was wondering about, It was I, who with all my imbecility, made the mistake of trying his. The 3Km walk was fine, then came the stairs

1rst Floor: Oh this isn’t as difficult as it seemed

2^nd Floor: I climbed 2 floors , that’s it??! This isn’t going to be easy…

3^rd Floor: I feel like Edmund Hillary NOW! Will this Conquest of Everest ever end?

4^th Floor: I want to Kill Kartik, for suggesting this

5^th Floor: I’m Falling Apart, I’m Barely Breathing. But I’m holding on, I’m Barely holding on to you…

6^th Floor: Kill ME!

On entering the office I could see the stars, the moon, I had been transported to some alien galaxy. This couldn’t be earth and definitely not my office! All of Newton’s laws of Motion have failed me. I think I will get nightmares of a never-ending loops of stairs which I will never be able to climb, for the next few days.

The only Good that came out of this week was the news of our dear friend Barun getting fixed up for marriage with Ms. Amrita Singh (Not The actor). I suggested he change his name to Saif now… Well I would like to congratulate him and wish him all the best for his future endeavors. And as for me, I hope these days of chaotic confusion end soon!

Love, Lust and ....

Today I realized one thing. The worst co-passengers that can ever exist on the face of earth are newly married couples. I had a close encounter with one on my way back from Pune to Mumbai.
Somehow in India being newly married translates to a license for Public Display of Affection. On any ordinary day, a boy and girl sitting together, at any public place (eg. Buddha Park, Lodhi Garden, Juhu beach, Bandstand etc. etc.) may be subject to the wrath of the likes of Shiv Sena / MNS / VHP, but no one bothers to unleash hell on this clan.
Thus began my journey, seated next to this newlywed couple, who I shall call Pinki - The girl and Vickky - The boy (as they were referred to in the yester years of Hindi cinema). Now if you are travelling alone, the only best thing next to falling asleep is to listen to what the other co-passengers are talking about, this gives you an insight into their lives and human psyche in general, but on this occasion the conversation was beyond endurance. I was trying to understand that what do two people who have never known each other, before they were married, talk about! The conversations ranged from Vickky asking Pinki, that how much does she think was the total spend on their marriage (… the amount estimated was good enough to feed an entire village in Uganda for one year, I guess) to what Pinki and Vickky’s mother think of each other. Matters of salary, relatives, etc. were also discussed. When all this was getting out of hand I decided to thank Mr. Varun Kaushik for the music he had very kindly bestowed upon me and “Korn” came to my rescue, but only for an hour when my headphones decided to plot against me and stopped working subjecting me to the torture again.
Now, you can still ignore whatever they talked about, but then Pinki and Vickky decided to get naughty in the car! Three other people are sitting in the car as well, have some mercy! No one is interested in seeing your kissing action… Go get a room or something…. This is not your car! While my head was screaming all these words the deadliest word came out of Pinki’s “oral cavity”… “J..A..A..N..U”… by now my mind was ready to puke… Yuck! I mean, how long have you known this guy, to call him jaanu or is it that since you’ve not know him that long… you have you forgotten his name or something and so decided to call him jaanu?… And then… Vickky decided to be brutal to my ears and called Pinki “J…A…N…A..M”…
Suddenly the world around me started to sink and in the background a song was playing… Janejigar Janeman, Tujhko hai meri kasam… Tu jo mujhe na mila mar jaoongi main sanam… Thanks for planting this song into my head… Now it’s difficult for me to bear my own self!
Atlast we reached Sion… it was a relief! I have decided to change cabs in the future if I ever sense any newlyweds trying to get into mine… So much for shared cabs… Please God! I pray to you, NEVER let me become one of their kind…