I am Crasssy About Eleesshh!!

Yesterday, I witnessed on television, an event, greater in magnitude and importance than the Olympics, FIFA World Cup, The miss Universe Pageant and America’s Elections, all put together. Its rarity and peculiarity can be compared to the Halley’s Comet and this event was called, Rakhi ka Swayamvar. Now that Rakhi has put a seal and stamp on her crassiness about Eleessss (Elesh Parujanwala), I am feeling a void. Why God Why! Why me??? I wanted to see a second season of this show… You can’t leave me high and dry like this! Now what am I supposed to do at 9:00 PM sharp every day. My life seems so pointless without Rakhi, I have nothing to look forward to. This is Cheating!

For all those who missed this epic of an episode here are some excerpts. This piece might seem a little distorted and that’s because right now and even while I was watching the show I was drowsy on heavy medication.

The evening was being hosted by Mr. Ram Kapur and the venue was Mumbai ka chamchamata hua Leela Hotel, turning the whole event into a Raam Leela. On stage Rakhi didi looking like draupadi with 4 chandelier like something hanging from the ceiling of her head, Ram bhaiyya and Ravi Kisaan Bhaiyya, and the three could be grooms - Lallu, Bhallu and Golu (aka kshitiz, elees and manas respectively). Ram bhaiyya has 5 mikes, he has kept the best one for himself (the one which actually works) and the rest have been distributed between the families and grooms and Rakhiss. The audience back home is expected to keep their thumb stationed at the remote’s volume button since the volume is at blaring levels when Ram Bhaiyya speaks and inaudible when anyone else speaks.

Rakhi begins by thanking Ram Bhaiyaa, Ravi kisaan bhaiyya, all Mummyjis, Papajis, Aru ji (for watching all episodes) and proclaiming her haepyiness about everything. Then comes the moment of truth (Not sach ka samna!)

Ram Bhaiyya to Bechain Rakhi: To Rakhi kya aap apna dulha chunney ko taiyyar hain?

Bechain Rakhi:… (long pause)……. No Ram Bhaiyya…. Not before I sing a thousand hymns in praise of my ishtdev, Jejus, I want his blessings before I take any decision. Jejus aap mere andar aaiyye, kyunki main aapke bina kuch nahi kar sakti. (Jejus Choir arrives, everyone starts looking up and singing profusely)

**********************Hymns Conclude*********************

Ram Bhaiyya (annoyed waley): To rakhi ab agar aapka Dhong khatam ho gaya ho to aap apna decision batayeingi?

Bechain Rakhi: Agar mere decision se baaki families ka hard break hota hai to main kshamas mangna chahti hun… ye decision sunatey huey meri dhadkans tez ho rahi hain, chahey to Cardiogram kara lo

Ravi Kisaan Bhaiyya: Common Rakhi… You can do it, Poora desh wait kar raha hai is ch*#iyape ke end hone ka… ab to bata do… Just do it! (Is dialogue ke prayojak they Nike)

Bechain Rakhi: Ram bhaiyya,…. Ravi Bhaiyya… maine chuna hai….

*Commercial Break*

Fortune 500 Companies like Revital, Unwanted 72, Medimix sabun etc. are sponsoring the show

*program resumes*

Rakhi looking confused as to who should she choose… She walks towards the grooms, the 52 week billboard chart topping number “Piya se milne ko bechain.... dhoondhe sajna ko din raat rakhi (aaa...laaa... laa)” is playing in the background. Rakhi walks past the first groom, then the second one, then the third one…. Has Rakhi decided to hold Swayamvar part 2 or Will Rakhi marry Ram bhaiyya??? When such questions were just crossing my mind, she turned back and chose… Elessh…

I knew it! High fives everywhere…. After all Rakhi was crasssy about elesss…..

Bechain Rakhi: Maine Elesh ko isliye chuna kyunki wo bohat machyure hain, wo NRI hain, unke paas bohat paisa hai, main bollywood se bore ho chuki hun aur ab main Toronto me Item Numbersss karna chahti hun….

*Ceremony Ends*

Unlike most people I do not look down upon Rakhi, infact I am thankful to her for adding new dimensions to my English vocabulary! I learnt several new words and newer ways of pronouncing those words in this one month. I have learnt of new relationships like Sishter in Low and Maather in Low; of the random S’s that can be used in the middle or at the end of the words; New ways of pronouncing anniversary (Rakhi’s version: Annvensary), Mature (R’s V: Machore); The 50 million Waaaoooos (Wow!) that she used to throw away in each episode kind of like the world bank distributes aids to the bhooka nanga countries. I have also learnt of sentences which sound like phrases. Mummy so good, papa so good (I mean why waste any energy on verbs). I have learnt of plastic facial expressions and fake lofters.

Anyways I will miss Rakhi didi and as for Elessh all I have to say is that “agar patni sataye to humko bateyein”