Where there is a Will...

I am very very sick today, could not even go to work. To all the people who know me as a non exaggerating, matter of fact kind of person, let me tell you that my fate is doomed and I might succumb to this incessant sneezing and coughing any moment now. So, before I meet my untimely demise, let me distribute my legacy to my near and dear ones.

Let me start with family. To my eldest niece Nancy I leave behind my sennheiser headphones, cause its the only German thing I have in my house. To my dear niece Gargi, I bestow all my cookery books, utensils, spices and unused rations, please admit that you can’t cook nothing and its high time you learn how to make your own cake and eat it too. To my nephew Vinayak, I leave behind my cell phone, just to let you know that people can survive with non-android phones, and since it’s not it the nature of guys to throw away technological stuff away, it will always put a smile on my face to know that somewhere out there, my non GPRS activated, non android, shit of a cell phone is giving you nightmares. To my youngest and very dear niece Ishita, I shall leave my Laptop, coz darling; you need to come online more often. For my sister Saru, I have only these lines to offer: “Tera tujhko arpan, Kya Lagey mera!”

Now, for my friends, who have served me well, by being my mentors and guides in this treacherous world, I shall leave behind things befitting their individual personalities. To Kartik I leave behind, my pre-paid rented house in Mumbai, do enjoy my humble abode while it lasts till April of 2013, for my landlord will never return my PDCs which are already in his custody, and do me a favour, make your stay at my place a living nightmare for the society secretary who lives right next door. To Wriddhi, I shall leave behind the Holy Grail, my precious Cosmopolitan collection. Now you can have access to sure ways to please your man in 25 easy steps, and learn about flirting tips that work. To Nishant Sir, I leave behind my entire watch collection, which includes 4 wrist watches and 1 wall clock because you need to learn to reach places on time. To Simon, I leave my refrigerator, for I would hate to let all the food stocked in there, go to waste, also I leave behind my unpaid credit card balance in your name, to continue the weekend movie adventures even after I’m gone. To my dearest friend Nidhi, I leave in your good care, my entire shoe collection, for you are a true connoisseur and have cursed me enough number of times for not getting any good ones for you.

For Mr. Anupam Padmanabhan, I leave my Wi-Fi Connection, because no one I know, loves to be online as much as you do and also it seems that you always have this uncontrollable desire to post your current locations on Facebook, god forbid, anyone should not know where you are at any given time of the day. For Mohit Neb, I leave my guitar, for I’m sure, sitting in that dark dusty corner, my guitar gently weeps to be taken out and strung, as god intended, and not to be carefully packed inside its bag, as I intended. To Aftab, I leave my collection of board games, which comprises of Monopoly, Cluedo, Scrabble and Pictionary in remembrance of those afternoons well spent at barista, playing Pictionary, for I haven’t met many guys besides you who can be interested for any board games. For Sarab Sandhu, I leave my skipping rope, sorry brother, don’t have any other exercising equipment besides that in my house, also I shall mail you the video of your shameful dance involving Kiits Malhotra and Sabbar on Papi Chulo, I firmly believe no person should live to see it, please hide it in some safe folder and lock it!

To Hanumant Paliwal, I leave behind my printer/copier/scanner, now you can find your Google maps, download them and take colour prints of the same on your next trip, wherever to it might be. To Sonia Rai, I present my aroma therapy candle collection, girl, stop being so high strung in life, just take a deep breath, light up the candles and relax. To Aparna, i leave my cosmetics collection, its all brand new, as I hardly know how to use any of it, it’s just a goodwill gesture for tolerating me as a roommate and for any fights that might have occured over not asking before using any of your stuff. I truly treasure your and sabbar. To Varun Kaushik, I leave my entire Dilbert Collection, it might not match your Chinese cartoon standards, but yes whenever I see a Comic/Cartoon, I don’t know why I’m reminded of you. To Ashish Singh, I leave behind this blog, for the world needs to know about the crazy stuff you have going on in your head, and you are one of the few people who have truly mastered the art of Bakar (thanks to all sorts of ruhaani shaitaani takats working in your favour).

I would like to donate my entire wealth of 50 K lying idly by in my bank account to “Save the Unicorn Foundation”....hmmm... who am I kidding? It needs to be sent to the Government of India for their nuclear warfare development program.

So that will be all for now, hoping to get over this sickness soon, if not, everyone knows what they are getting.

PS: If I survive to see the dawn of the day after the day after tomorrow, the agreement to bestow all the things mentioned above shall become null and void. Get your own stuff, you lazy people!