Shake well before using

Disclaimer: Do not read this while operating a vehicle or heavy machinery

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I have come to realise that the world’s best kept secrets aren’t “Who the Men in Black are?” or “Do people spontaneously combust for real?” or “How Bappi Lahiri still manages to buy gold when its price is skyrocketing?” The Best Kept secret according to me is a small phrase called “Conditions Apply”, otherwise known as the disclaimer. No one seems to know what these conditions are, or where they have been stashed away for security purposes, and how these conditions manage to be so dynamic that they always keep on changing to not favour you. We are surrounded by such disclaimers, and no one seems to take them seriously anyways till the time all hell breaks loose. Some of these mysterious disclaimers have been enumerated below:

1. Actual Results may vary – This disclaimer tops my charts due to the simple fact that one can continue to make the tallest of claims while delivering nothing and no one can hold you responsible for it. This phrase should not be accepted in general conversations. Imagine this – You are having a chat with a mate, (for all intents and purposes let’s call him Jimmy) and you say “Here is what we are going to do Jimmy, we will do some shopping, hang out for a while, probably go out for a drink, and if you’re still awake, back to my place to watch some DVDs”.... if this statement is followed by a disclaimer *Actual Results, may vary* it may very well lead to you getting the following notification the very next day: - Jimmy has unfriended you on Facebook!. This disclaimer, however, can be used effectively on your job applications and resumes; you can claim to have working knowledge and proven expertise on various technologies and processes and get away with not actually knowing the required stuff simply by putting this disclaimer on the last page of your CV in font size Arial 6 – “Actual Results may vary”
2. No animals were harmed in the making of this film – This disclaimer is ok to be used to shut up all the PETA supporters and other annoying bunch of human/animal/alien rights activists of the world, in case the movie has actually used real life animals. What scares me is when films like Godzilla, Jurassic Park, Anaconda and movies based on Nessie start using this disclaimer. Is the fact about their existence in the real world being hidden from us as a part of some larger conspiracy? On a separate note, just wondering how will my dog look with Lipstick, mascara and some cool eye shadow on? Charming!
3. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental – South Park took this disclaimer to a whole new level. Before every episode, their disclaimer states: "All characters and events in this show - even those based on real people –- are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated.....poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.” – Bonus points to Trey Parker and Matt Stone for this. But how does this disclaimer work for movies that advertise that they are based on real life people and situations – Mahesh Bhatt and Madhur Bhandarkar please explain. On another note, why do fantasy movies use this disclaimer? Is some dude going to walk up to James Cameron in the year 2029 and say you made a movie on my life without my permission. I am the real Terminator and “I will be Back” - to sue your ass.
4. Batteries not included. – This is a good one. I think on every Monday morning, all people going to work can use this disclaimer for not getting over the fact that the weekend has actually ended. This specially works well, when the company expects you to recharge your batteries over the weekend using rest as a tool, but against all better judgement, you decide to go out and drain your already exhausted batteries with the help of some late night parties. Don’t care much about the TV remotes and toys that don’t come with batteries though, as I personally use neither.
5. As seen on TV – This line usually appears on exercising equipment of various sorts like ab-crunchers, thigh firmers, and ankle smashers which are being sold on TV during the oddest hours of the night by some seriously flat chested women. The people watching these infomercials are usually lazy slobs who wouldn’t move a muscle during an earthquake if something even vaguely interesting (such infomercials for instance) is on TV. “As seen on TV” helps such people instantly identify these products on the rare occasion they decide to venture out. I suggest that the use of this phrase should be extended to celebrities who hog the limelight on TV all the time. Example: Rakhi Sawant – As seen on TV, Paris Hilton – As seen on TV.
6. Avoid contact with eyes and skin – Ok good I read this one, otherwise I would end up shampooing and conditioning my eyes yet again. On some other not so rare occasions, I have also tried to moisturise my eyes, tried to use hair colour on them, washed them with detergent, disinfected them with Harpic, and eventually ended up screaming painfully “My eyes, My eyes!!”
7. Keep out of reach of children. – Children are a menace to society, I know, because I used to be one, a long long time ago. Instead of restricting this disclaimer/warning to medicines and other stuff that may cause kids bodily harm, I think the scope of this notification should be extended to places and things, which if fall into the hands of kids, can cause material or emotional distress to Adults. I wish that all watches, cellphones, jewellery, restaurants, movie theatres, cosmetics and shoe stores came with this disclaimer.
8. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. – All good looking, intelligent and rich people should put up this disclaimer on their Facebook profiles as soon as they are made available to the hoards and masses who complain that all the good people are already taken or married. This will save everyone a lot of trouble and agony.

If you think there are any other Disclaimers worth mentioning. Let me know and they shall be included here even if they are “For education purposes only”